Just Hold On..
That’s all I’ve gotta do, eventually shit won’t be this hard but till then, I dont know what I’m supposed to do. It’s not fun wondering where I’m gonna go and then just wandering, with nothing to distract me from my thoughts. Somehow they always end up back thinking about it, thinking about what you said to me, wondering why you’re mind changed so suddenly, wishing that it was all just a bad dream, wishing that I still had somewhere to go when there was nowhere else, wishing I still had people to support me when I need it most. It’s all gone though and I don’t know what to do. I can’t stay here forever, I can’t live like this forever. But I don’t know if I can go back. I don’t know if I can forgive you. No parent should do or say anything like this to their kid. It’s not right and it’s not fair. Hearing all about how “I don’t deserve a home or a family”, how “I deserve far worse than living on the streets”, how “close you are to not caring about me”. Am I really so discardable? Am I really so easily forgotten? Not just by anyone but my own father? How could I ever forgive you for the pain you’ve put me through? I was just starting to forgive you for the last time this happened and now this. How am I supposed to trust you? How am I supposed to feel about anything anymore? If my parents can throw me away without a second thought, what’s to say that everyone else couldn’t do the same? Because of you and her, I’m starting to get scared of how close I am with anyone. I don’t deserve this. Your fucking DAUGHTER doesn’t deserve to lose her big brother. You have no idea how much it hurt me to say goodbye to her and wonder if I’ll ever see her again. You say you won’t cover for me with her? That you’ll tell her the truth about why I’m not there. I wonder if you’ll keep to your word about that now. I wonder if you’ll tell her that I’m not there because you told me to get out and when she asks how long till she can see me again, I wonder if you’ll have the heart to tell her: “Maybe never..” Maybe then you’ll realize what you’ve done. To me, to her, and to yourself. Maybe you’ll regret what you’ve said and done. I hope you do. I hope you hate yourself for it. It’s what you deserve. Did you really think that this was going to do anything good? Did you think I’d be back the next day, seeking your forgiveness? Well guess what? That’s not how this works. That’s not how LIFE works. I deserve an apology and so much more. I deserve my self confidence back. It was just starting to come back after my mom succeeded in destroying it with what she said to me. I deserve a sense of self worth. I deserve a home and a family that understands that after everything, I’m not gonna be perfect, far from it actually. I was getting better though. I was trying to change. But now, it all feels so pointless. What’s the point of being anything worthwhile? What’s the point of anything? It feels like every day I get a little more lonely. I don’t talk to anyone anymore. I’m scared I’ll bore them with my issues. It’s all just inside, dying to get out but I hold it back. All I have to do is hold on. Maybe life will get easier on it’s own but I doubt it. I have to figure out something to do. But it’s hard to think when I’m trying so hard to hold on. It feels as if everyday, I’m getting one step closer to slipping, holding on is getting harder and harder.